I was reading Brazen Careerist again today - catching up on recent posts (btw  - her 9/11 post really got me emotional.)  Something made me revisit a couple of the first posts I’d ever read on her blog - about her marriage. 

 And one of them focuses on the Myth of the Stay-At-Home-Dad.  It’s something that does concern me a lot.  I am married a year, living together for 4.  I’ve always had more of a “career” than he and supported our lifestyle.  He became a massage therapist a few years ago and is quite fantastic at it.  We are very lucky to have found something he loves and is talented at.

But it isn’t a steady workflow, and he’s home a lot.  If the economy tanks, fewer people get massage.  To get the steadier work, you have to contract with another health provider or a spa, which takes a cut.  And it never will be very much in the way of income unless he is one of the 1% of massage therapists that manage to make it big somehow. 

I’m ok with this.  Yes - it would be nice to have more income at times.  But it also gives me a great feeling to be supporting his “art” per se.  It gives him so much in the way of happiness, which feeds our happiness.  And we are very happy the majority of the time.  So I pay most of the bills, and he provides what he can.  I don’t judge his massage as less worthy.  If anything - he changes the world way more than I do, and that I can help him in that process makes me feel like I am part of it.

But as part of having a job that is not as active, I feel that on the days he has off, he needs to take care of the house.  That it is part of his “job”, since two days of the week are usually completely empty of appointments.  And not passively - but really take care of it.  We rent, so we don’t have a yard or such to deal with. It’s cleanliness - dishes, laundry, vacuuming, taking out garbage - house cleaning.

That doesn’t mean I don’t do things around the house too.  We have a tacit agreement that I ALWAYS clean the bathtub and the bathroom floor.  I clean on weekends and am responsible for the general organization of stuff.  But there appear to be no tacit agreements about anything for him.  Still, he does the laundry almost all the time, and the dishes probably about 70% of the time. 

He does complain about it though, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.  To me, it just makes sense - you are HOME.  You should take care of the house more (instead of playing video games).  If you do not work as much as the other person, and we have no children yet, take care of the house.  Do what you can to make it look great all the time.  Cook food.  I would feel responsible for these things if I was at home and someone was making sure I had a home and food.  He complains that he always does the laundry, or I don’t do enough of the dishes.  Yet, I am looking around and see that he hasn’t EVER emptied the bathroom garbage (that’s me, folks - the only one who does that) or that his breakfast dishes are still on the table.

Me coming home and complimenting him on everything he’s done has made improvements.  It makes him know I’m aware of what he has done, and how much I appreciate it.  But it hasn’t caused more to be done.

Or at the very least, work on your personal business.  Research marketing options.  Paper the neighborhood with homemade ads.  But I’m the business person - so in the end, I usually end up working on his business as well.  Because I can accomplish the needed research faster and with more desirable results.  It’s what I do for a living.  And I have a business sense and understanding of what that world is like.  Ask me where a piriformis muscle is, and I wouldn’t have a clue.  Ask me how to market your home business, and I can help you.

This is a long introduction for my main question:  What happens when we have kids?  We are considering family, and we’ve talked about our options.  As much as I’d like to stay home with a child and take care of the house, the kid, and work on my dance practice, I am the “bread-winner”.  I have more earnings potential now than he may ever have. 

So, we pretty much have come to the idea that he will stay home with the kids.  But this may put a huge dent in his massage practice.  I’m not sure he is ok with this, or not as much as he thinks he is.  We recently shut down the home-based version of his massage business and he was extremely unhappy about it.  He still gives massage by appointment at your house, but not in our house.  And I think he feels a sense of failure about this, even though it doesn’t change his client-base or income level.  How will he handle the fact that kids may close down even more of his business?  Not all of it, because we have many options, but certainly more than now. 

I’m not sure, and in finding Penelope’s blog again, I’m reminded that this is something he and I need to keep discussing.  And yes, I commented to her blog.  I think it was misinterpreted that I don’t do anything around the house, but the points are the same.  (and to respond to JohnMcG, yes - when I am out of work or even home sick, I feel it is my responsibility to take care of the house more because I am making up for my half of things.  So, I would feel that I agree - and I’ve put the theory to the test personally. )

My final question here is - why does it seem to be a much larger issue with dads than it seems to be with moms?  Or am I not being fair?  Is it a huge issue with moms too?  Why does it sound like dads have a harder time dealing with staying home with the kids?  Am I wrong for expecting that the person who is home more often should put in more effort with the house?  I’d expect it of a woman too.  My roommate and I had a similar understanding for a while as well.  Am I too mercenary?  Do you know of stay-at-home dads that enjoy it or are successful at it?