Today I was reading Brazen Careerist and noticed Penelope referenced her ex-husband.  Click the link and, sure enough, she’s getting a divorce. 

As you may know, I am also getting a divorce.  The reasons are not the world’s business, and unlike Penelope, this blog is not the right medium for discussion regarding that background.  Suffice it to say, it was unhealthy to remain there and we are jointly filing.

But in reading the comments to her blog post about the decision to get a divorce - and her internal drive to always look forward and move on - I noticed that the world might need to be disabused of a few notions regarding divorce, or in some cases, any end of a long-term relationship. 

Ready?  Ok, let’s go.

1.   Divorce Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Spouse (Or Breaking Up Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Partner)

I’m putting this one first because I’m pretty sure that in 99% of the cases, this is not true.  I repeat, not true.  And the majority of people getting a divorce - or even breaking up from a long-term relationship - DO,  in fact, continue to love the person they started the relationship with.  Relationships don’t work for many many reasons, but rarely because the emotion wasn’t there.

Relationships are crazy things, and they can end because of lack of respect, lack of trust, lack of interest, and yes, even lack of love.  Committments can end because people have changed and they no longer see life the same way.  They can end because one side cannot give as much as the other side, or because they have grown to want other things.  Relationships can end because you hurt each other so much that it is not possible to go back and fix those wounds and live a full, happy life. 

Please stop thinking that “love” has anything to do with why two people don’t stay together.

So you’re saying, “Oh, if you loved each other, then the problem must be that…”

2.  Divorce Means You Weren’t Committed

Oh My God.  If I hear any of the following ever again, it will be too soon:

• Guess ’till death do us part’ doesn’t apply here.
• People these days just don’t want to work on their marriages.
• Everyone always gives up when the going gets rough.
• For better or for worse has become when it is no longer convenient.
• People used to stay together in marriage and find a way to make it work.
• Are you sure you tried everything to make it work?  It can’t be saved?  There’s no hope?

I thought I’d give a head’s up:  many (probably most) of us have worked on our relationships.  Quite a bit, with a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  We don’t want to get divorces.  We go into marriages with the intention of staying together forever, of being with that person till we are old and grey.  We buy into all of that, and believe it with all of our hearts.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t get married in the first place.

Why is it when someone breaks up with a long-term boy/girlfriend, they are supported and encouraged to start fresh, but when your marriage breaks up, you are a pariah and just didn’t give it enough time/energy/committment/love/effort?  Why is the contract of marriage more drama than the contract of relationship?  Why does that allow someone to judge me more than someone else? 

Sometimes, you can’t fix things.  Sometimes, it would take more energy than you have left in you to fix that relationship.  Things like respect, trust, intimacy - these all are hard to gain back.  Perhaps you thought you could fix it, but it required some sacrifices from the other half that they weren’t willing to live with.  Maybe, just maybe, you aren’t the same people you were, and you both will be healthier and happier separated. 

No one chastises you for ending a contract in business.  You move on when the deal no longer works for the parties involved.  Guess what - it’s like that here too.

Well, you’re now saying: So you tried to fix it.  That must mean that…

3. A Divorced Person has Issues

Oh yes.  I have three points here:

• Someone is mentally/physically/emotionally damaged and that’s why things didn’t work out. 

While true that one or more people in the relationship may have issues, that does not mean that the issue is the sole reason the relationship didn’t work out.  Thank you, but when a major relationship fails, we are more than capable of blaming ourselves for everything, so you don’t need to contribute.  Yes, we should look at things clearly and honestly, but rarely is one thing the source of the end of a relationship.  And, sometimes you are damaged as a result of the relationship.  Well I guess that means…

• Now you’re damaged goods.

Thanks - I needed the vote of confidence.  Don’t worry, I’m already thinking that, somehow, my failed marriage means that I am not fit to give advice, be a good friend, be a quality employee, or be a health individual.  It’s part of the process of dealing with the ending relationship.  We look to assign the blame.  It doesn’t mean any of those things.  AND - It also doesn’t mean that I cannot have quality relationships that are long-lasting. It doesn’t mean I can’t marry again.  It doesn’t mean that other marriages will fail. 

• One person is responsible for the divorce because they….

I’ve got a news flash - no one person is ever responsible for the end of a relationship.  It always involves poor decisions and actions of both parties.  And yes, I’m using the word “always“. Because it is truth.  It is never that one person didn’t sacrifice enough.  Even abusive relationships involve poor decisions on the part of both people.  Owning up to one’s appropriate portion of responsibility is part of the healing process.

Regardless, after a relationship ends, you must need…

4.  Prescription for Some Time Alone

It always seems like people know what is best for you.  After a long relationship breaks up, that means you should spend some time “with yourself” - aka, stay single, and perhaps you shouldn’t even date for a while.

Ostensibly, this means any of the following: finding yourself, resolving your issues, avoiding a rebound, process what has happened, be single to kill any dependency issues, figure out if the reason your relationship tanked is because you are screwed up. 

This may be something that people need to do after a break-up - I cannot deny that, and I’ve done it before.  However, it is not a universal prescription for every person, and may not apply to every situation.  Some people feel it important to have time to have time alone after a breakup to process what happened and how they feel.  Others might have spent plenty of time doing that during the relationship.  Each situation is unique. 

Overall, it isn’t bad advice - but one must temper it with the fact that it may not apply to the person you are talking to.  And really, it isn’t your place to judge what is right for another person.  So if someone starts dating soon after a breakup, keep your snotty whispers to yourself.  It’s part of moving on. 

Conversely, if someone decides they want to take some time to themselves, as long as they aren’t throwing a rope over the rafters, be their friend and don’t pressure them to get back into the game. 

5.  The Fact that it Ended Means It Had No Value

There’s a quote I want to share. 

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go.  It means leaving what’s over without denying its value.

–Ellen Goodman 

This piece of advice might apply better to those having the break-up as well as onlookers.  Yes.  It didn’t work.  That doesn’t mean there weren’t good things about it.  That doesn’t mean I’m happy about the fact that it ended, or that I would change my mind at this point.  I find a tendency out there to completely trash the whole past rather than accept the growth one got from it and move on. 

Frankly, I think this is tragic - and I don’t use that word often.  People make choices based on the person they were at that time.  People change.  But to look back and denigrate what choices you made with the information you had at the time is to not only belittle where you were then, but also all the growth you’ve experienced and where you are now.

6. It’s a Sad Thing, Not Always a Bad Thing

I don’t want a cake.  I don’t want drinks.  I don’t want a party.  It isn’t something happy for me to be getting a divorce, so when it is final, I’m not expecting to whoop it up around town and declare - Whee!  I’m a free woman again!  I am grateful now that I got out while it was still time to salvage myself from more damage.  I’m not going to toast the passing of a relationship.  I might sigh in relief when it is all done because it is sad, annoying and painful, even more so if you have children.

It’s a passage, and it deserves some respect.