This may seem to conflict with one of my previous posts.  I hope I can disabuse you of that belief quickly.

A comment to my divorce post really struck home with me.  I’ll repeat the specific line here:

“In our culture, we have learned to be insensitive to anything but the mask of happiness.”   

In letting this thought tumble on permanent press in my brain for a bit, I think I agree with it. 

When someone is upset, we try our best to “cheer them up”.  When we are feeling low, the recommendation is to think positively and have hope/faith/belief that things will be OK.  When someone is dying, or has died, we are expected to be stoic, strong for others, mourning quietly. 

If you’ve ever seen the series Six Feet Under, the first episode draws your attention to how silly this seems. 

Do we adequately acquaint ourselves with pain?  How do we navigate the delicate balance between whining and acknowledging unhappiness? 

We tend to think poorly of those who display unhappiness or are honest about their issues - we look at them as less successful, less equipped to deal with life, less adjusted.  The moment your personal dissatisfaction affects your ability to be cheerful, you should be seeking a therapist, or getting an anti-depressant.   We use phrases such as:

• Keep a stiff upper lip
• Keep your chin up
• Look on the bright side
• Cheer up - things aren’t so bad
• Don’t let it get you down
• Think of/Focus on the positive
• Keep your glass half full
• Nobody likes a gloomy gus
• Leave your problems at the door
• Look for the silver lining

Does this incessant happy-seeking really help us?  Or would we be better served embracing our negative emotion, experiencing it, and then learning from it? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for mass depression.  I have talked about the negative voices we deal with, and how happy people tend to think more logically, and many other things that point to happiness as being a factor in our decisions and how successful we feel. 

And it is true that even pretending to be happy can actually help you BE happier - you can trick the brain into releasing the chemicals you want.  In fact, according to Jill Bolte Taylor, neuroanatomist, we can choose a happier, more peaceful state of being (Nirvana Anyone?) by using more of the right side of our brain.

What I’m saying is that without the embracing of the bad things that happen - without being present with those feelings, accepting and recognizing them - we significantly impair our ability to be truly happy.  Instead, we are putting on the “mask” of happiness: pretending things are good when there really are issues.  Holding our feelings inside of us - or more often these days - taking a medication to feel “normal”.  Our Zoloft world is even-keel, understandable, and keeps us out of the emotional highs and lows so that we know where we “should be”.

Or if you aren’t happy, don’t try to find a way to be happy with what you have.  Find what makes you happy - at all costs. Someone realizes they are unhappy in a “must be happy” world sheds the current skin of where they are, what they do and seeks all new things, looking for happiness externally. 

Is it any wonder that relationships are harder to keep together?  If neither person knows how to deal with pain or unhappiness, when difficulties arise it is that much easier to withdraw  and discard the perceived source of unhappiness than to look within oneself and feel that pain - and work through it.  Dealing with our pain might teach us enough to deal with future issues, or recognizing  a problem too big to overcome before it infests too much of our lives. 

Perhaps the issue lies not with how much we work on our relationship, but how much we do not work on ourselves.  It was Gloria Steinem who said:

Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”

Working on ourselves and allowing us to feel what is really there might help us to be better partners in our relationships.  Instead of the mask of happiness we currently feel is expected, we would be ok with showing our own expression.  We might be more comfortable with being authentic. 

Being authentic might just lead to lasting, fulfilling relationships.  And perhaps we might just be that much closer to true happiness.

Edit: a TED Talk regarding the nature of happiness with Dan Gilbert.  Funny that Penelope should include this in her post yesterday when I am writing about this.

You’re enjoying your morning java when you notice a book on a table nearby.  It has a post-it note that says, “I’m Free!” 

You pick it up.

You’ve just experienced a Book Crossing.

On the inside of the book you’ll find a BCID - a Book Crossing ID number that identifies this book.  This book may have just entered the world, or it may be a seasoned traveler.  Now it has made its way to you.  The motto of Book Crossing?  Read, Release, Repeat.

Over 600,000 people around the world have become members at BookCrossing.com (it’s free for basic membership) and have registered books they have released into the world to share with others.  When someone finds a book, they are able to log onto the website and post a journal entry saying that a book was found, and where it was released next.  The goal?  Get our hands back into books, and sharing with each other. 

It’s really easy, and can be pretty fun.  There’s no guarantee that someone will find your book, or if they do, follow the instructions included.  But you’ve still made a difference.  And of course, you can get as involved as you’d like, or follow the basic four steps:

1. Pick one of your books-one you have read or one you haven’t read.
2. Click on “register book” under the “My Shelf” tab. [If you can’t see the “My Shelf” tab at the top of the page, you may need to log in to the site.] Follow the prompts to register the book and generate a BCID (BookCrossing ID).
3. Write the BCID in ink inside the cover. Add a label or write the BookCrossing info. you can add some additional markings, stickers, notes, etc to make the book noticeable, if you wish.
4. Release the Book.

Then you can check back and see who has found your book.  And if you wanted to go find someone else’s book, you can by using the same website to find what books have been released in your area. 

This is such a great idea that I ordered several release packets.  We have some other ideas for it as well that might prove to be useful - and even prove to make more of a difference. 

Why do I always find the coolest things when I’m busiest? 

So, the next step has been taken in the goal to become more eco-friendly.  You might think we bought a Prius as I’ve been alluding to for some time.  However, as much as I sin daily by coveting my neighbor’s Prius, I saw this little number and fell in love.  (Yes, my avid readers, that color is KIWI GREEN.  Did I mention that I shiver with joy when looking at it?)

It’s not a tiny step.  It isn’t a step at all - it’s a perspective change to think, “HEY - I could take my bike if I planned for a little extra time.”  It seems an easier step to take when your vehicular transport has recent been smooshed and you are trying not to spend your 401(k) on gasoline and downtown parking. 

Flaws in such a beautiful kiwi green plan?

1. Safety. Biking does not save you from future car accidents.  I would say “duh” here, but I think I thought it might be safer to be smaller and be able to dart in and out of traffic easier to avoid oncoming collisions.  However, one notes on one’s very first ride that cars care even LESS about you, and make a concerted effort to zoom past you to “avoid” hitting you.  However, that sort of behavior is what causes these sorts of accidents.  Yie.

2. Gear. It saves you from spending money on a car, which is sort of a blow against materialism - right?  However, it is VERY easy to start slipping down the slope of “gear”.  Once in love with a bike, you might do anything for it - such as contemplate purchasing $200 satchels, the perfect baskets, and even bells and whistles.  And don’t forget valve covers! 

Did you just say VALVE COVERS? Yes…yes I did.  Oh, the depths of consumerism reached in the attempt to become more environmentally conscious are numerous.  Consumerism isn’t evil, but when one of your goals was not to spend so much money on buying or operating a car, “outfitting” a bike starts to fill in that gap pretty quickly.  This coming from a woman who never spent more than $100 on a bike before now.

3. Helmets.  I’m not sure what to say about these except that I have a natural, inborn hatred of these things that stems from my youth in rural communities.  If you wore a helmet, you were obviously a sheltered kid who hung from your momma’s apron strings.  However, it only makes sense when commuting to work and dealing with flaw #1 above.  Still…I put the darn thing on and I’m instantly transported to a time when my grandmother made me wear a swimming cap.  It’s a hard thing to swallow.

4. Weather.  This is another “duh” moment, but since I’m in the middle of a flooded county, I might go ahead and mention that you are constantly concerned with what the weather might do.  40% chance of rain no longer means slightly wet pavement to be concerned about.  When the storm hits, you are stuck whereever you are.  And I’m a new enough bike commuter that my lofty goals of riding to work this morning were quashed by the merest sprinkling of rain.  I’ve got to determine a way to still bike to work when the weather is not 70 and sunny. 

5. Bike Locks.  People are wonderful beings with the potential for great goodness and kindness.  They are also quite capable of being rat bastards.  I now own a bike lock that is heavier than my bike.  At least I’ll be building my arm muscles at the same time, right?

6. Communication.  Once of my intentions with this bike is to ride with others.  However, what was once a “Turn here so I can show you this nifty place I just thought of,” in a car is now me saying, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” when the person leading me has randomly cut across traffic down a different road than where I thought we were heading.  I didn’t catch up for a bit because, well, I had to either turn around or go to the next block.  And in between there, neither of us knew exactly where the other one was.  This is a combination of using proper hand signals and paying better attention.

7. Stuff.  Transporting stuff will never be the same on a bike.  Nice try, but no.  Things jingle and make noise, and I’m not so certain that my original idea for bringing my laptop home on my bike would be a good one.  And I was very excited to consider a coffee-holder on my bike for imbibing while coasting to my place of employ.  Now I’m wondering if I wouldn’t spill boiling hot tea all over me every time I tried to drink it.  Add in that the overall amount of stuff you carry with you will have to be cut back, and the bike starts to look a little uncertain.  Good luck bringing in treats on Friday!

8. Appearance.  This might sound shallow, but it is more important how you dress when on a bike, and also harder to maintain a quality appearance.  With a car, you can pop in - drop off your mail or the dog or whatever - and get back home without imposing your morning hairstyle and flannel pajama pants on anyone.  With a bike, you are visible to the world. 

This also connects with weather item in that you have to be prepared for the fact that you have no climate control.  So commuting to work, I can’t wear my suit.  So I carry it with me.  That won’t stop the fact that I’m sweatier than the flanks of a raging bull and any deoderant and perfume I once used is now gone with the wind, so to speak.  This translates into having to bring this stuff with you, which further translates into taking that into consideration for your finite amount of space for the stuff in #7.  My goal to solve this is to bring an extra set of stuff to work so that I can “freshen up” there.  But there’s an additional cost I’d not considered.

None of these things is a deal-breaker, really.  There are ways around most of them, and practice will smooth out the edges.  In many ways, it isn’t that different from taking the bus - which I did for several years.  I’m really excited, actually, to start commuting this way.  It’s just another way that “being green” takes a little more thought than buying a recylcing bin.  It really requires you to take a look at how you do things, and each step in the process.  But I believe that in the end, it will be worth it.

So, I’ve been quiet for a few days.  Learning lessons.  Not new lessons, but old, powerful lessons.

I was in a mind-altering car accident this weekend.  As in, should-have-died level of accident.  At a standstill in traffic, a car plowed into us from behind going 50-60mph, pushing us into another car.  I do not remember the airbags deploying, but when my eyes opened, there they were, flattened sacks.  The above is the remains of the car.

We all walked away basically together - no limbs broken or gone, and major body functions still in tact.  We are in the process of dealing with the medical fallout of all of this.

Geeks - I feel as if I have a better understanding of what one might experience in one’s first time ever plane-shifting.  Or if someone forcibly tried to pull me through a wormhole in space.  I think that might feel like this car accident - where all the molecules around me are suddenly squished together.  There’s this moment of intensity, a moment of compaction where sound is so dense that it no longer is sound - it is more akin to silence.

So, that’s what happened on my way to the Madison Farmer’s Market.  Right now, my life feels achingly misaligned, like the bones in my back.  It is as if every cell in my body knows that something has changed, but no one can see that from the outside. 

This situation has imposed, rather perilously, several life lessons upon me that I thought I’d share that, while pertinent to the car wreck, are also pertinent to life.

• Impatience is unnecessary.  No one needs to anywhere that fast to sacrifice the well-being of oneself and others.  That goes for work and personal life - pushing something to the limit of its speed will result in poor results.  And you won’t have enjoyed the ride.  And the path taken often makes a difference in how successful the achievement is. 
• The body is amazing.  Not only did it do all the necessary processes to ensure that I would be at my most flexible, but it also conveniently blocked out the few seconds of my head hitting the airbag and seat that I really didn’t need to know.  Thank you selective memory during traumatic events.  If my brain can forget the traumatic seconds of a car accident, then I can teach my brain to forgive and forget other things that hold me back.
• Your life can change in the blink of an eye, and without your permission.  And being flexible, able to go with the flow will always be helpful.  This is a great analogy for dealing with change.  In an accident, if you see it coming, you tense up and the damage is always worse.  In life, this can be compared to stubbornly holding onto the past as long as you can before letting go.  There’s an art to recognizing inevitable change and following it when it comes instead of making it drag you through hell.
• Did I mention change happens without your permission?  It gives new insight to me, who is someone who strives to always be in control.  If I can never be truly in control, then perhaps I am wasting energy in that direction that could be more appopriately focused in achieving my goals.
• In the same vein as not being able to control what happens outside of me, there’s a degree of chaos in trying to control what is inside you.  It is a delicate balance between nature and nurture, and be careful what label you assign to each feeling.  I don’t WANT to feel anxious right now, but the chemical imbalance as a result of the accident doesn’t give me that option. 
• Your perception can completely change without anything visible occurring.  I went back to my job and back to my life, and nothing changed externally.  But I feel completely changed internally -for good or for ill.  I think this is something that many people experience when going through a difficult time.  The rest of the world may not fit the new you, and the person you thought you knew might not be there anymore.  And it only takes a split second.  Take the time to find out what has changed, and where your heart lies. 
• The things you come back to in a traumatic event are the things that you need to keep paying attention to.  Those are the things/people/beliefs that really matter in your life.
• Sometimes you need to forego asking “Why did this happen?” and move straight to, “What do I do now?”  Too much time spent with the former question causes fewer options to be available when you reach the second question.  The Why is historical and nice to have, but what matters more is who you are and what you want NOW.

And what I want right now is sleep.  Good night all.