From this speech he gave in Madison on July 19th.

“First of all, we must be clear about what we mean by compassion. Many forms of compassionate feeling are mixed with desire and attachment. For instance, the love parents feel of their child is often strongly associated with their own emotional needs, so it is not fully compassionate. Again, in marriage, the love between husband and wife -  particularly at the beginning, when each partner still may not know the other’s deeper character very well - depends more on attachment than genuine love. Our desire can be so strong that the person to whom we are attached appears to be good, when in fact he or she is very negative. In addition, we have a tendency to exaggerate small positive qualities. Thus when one partner’s attitude changes, the other partner is often disappointed and his or her attitude changes too. This is an indication that love has been motivated more by personal need than by genuine care for the other individual.”

I think when we use the word “desire”, it can be equated to mean “desire for connection”.  For a connection to someone else, striving to make positive what is negative.  Striving to be supportive of growth.  And being so enabling that you become smothering.

Ok, that was a geek reference if ever there was one.  However, I couldn’t get it out of my head, so that’s the title.

I did something finally that I hadn’t ever done before, but always had been talking about.  I performed bellydance solo.  Not as a solo in part with other dancers, but as in stepped up and - with the support of my friends - did my own thing, to my own music, with my own costuming.  And it was significantly different from things I’d done before.

It was surprisingly refreshing and frightening at the same time.

It’s amazing how different I feel now.  It is as if doing that changed some wiring inside me. I had been avoiding it for the longest time - not that I couldn’t dance solo on an impromptu basis, at haflas, at gatherings, around bonfires.  But I went to an organized event and danced cabaret-tribal style in a cabaret-tribal costume and made something my own. 

It was NOT perfect, by any means.  But it was not horrific. 

And now I’m scheduled to do it again at the end of August - which frankly freaks me out.

Everytime I have a dance weekend, I contemplate the enigmatic world of bellydance.  I wonder what I am doing here in this corporate world, sitting in front of a desk when I could be drilling, shimmying, choreographing.  Is this how everyone is when they immerse themselves in their art?

This last weekend was very much the same - but also very different.  This weekend marks a change in how I go forward.  I will be dancing with others, but I will also be pursuing a solo existence.  And I’m not sure how necessarily to balance both worlds evenly. 

 Why is it so hard to go solo on a project?  What is it in me that will go to the end of the earth for a group project, but when it is just for me, I end up settling for something that gets me through it without TOO much shame.  Why can I sacrifice my time and put all my creativity into something that is a manifestation of a few people, but not able to do the same for something that comes just from within me?

I don’t know, but I have a feeling I’m going to find out.

Le danseuse est mort.  Viva la danseuse!