Today I was reading Brazen Careerist and noticed Penelope referenced her ex-husband.  Click the link and, sure enough, she’s getting a divorce. 

As you may know, I am also getting a divorce.  The reasons are not the world’s business, and unlike Penelope, this blog is not the right medium for discussion regarding that background.  Suffice it to say, it was unhealthy to remain there and we are jointly filing.

But in reading the comments to her blog post about the decision to get a divorce - and her internal drive to always look forward and move on - I noticed that the world might need to be disabused of a few notions regarding divorce, or in some cases, any end of a long-term relationship. 

Ready?  Ok, let’s go.

1.   Divorce Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Spouse (Or Breaking Up Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Partner)

I’m putting this one first because I’m pretty sure that in 99% of the cases, this is not true.  I repeat, not true.  And the majority of people getting a divorce - or even breaking up from a long-term relationship - DO,  in fact, continue to love the person they started the relationship with.  Relationships don’t work for many many reasons, but rarely because the emotion wasn’t there.

Relationships are crazy things, and they can end because of lack of respect, lack of trust, lack of interest, and yes, even lack of love.  Committments can end because people have changed and they no longer see life the same way.  They can end because one side cannot give as much as the other side, or because they have grown to want other things.  Relationships can end because you hurt each other so much that it is not possible to go back and fix those wounds and live a full, happy life. 

Please stop thinking that “love” has anything to do with why two people don’t stay together.

So you’re saying, “Oh, if you loved each other, then the problem must be that…”

2.  Divorce Means You Weren’t Committed

Oh My God.  If I hear any of the following ever again, it will be too soon:

• Guess ’till death do us part’ doesn’t apply here.
• People these days just don’t want to work on their marriages.
• Everyone always gives up when the going gets rough.
• For better or for worse has become when it is no longer convenient.
• People used to stay together in marriage and find a way to make it work.
• Are you sure you tried everything to make it work?  It can’t be saved?  There’s no hope?

I thought I’d give a head’s up:  many (probably most) of us have worked on our relationships.  Quite a bit, with a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  We don’t want to get divorces.  We go into marriages with the intention of staying together forever, of being with that person till we are old and grey.  We buy into all of that, and believe it with all of our hearts.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t get married in the first place.

Why is it when someone breaks up with a long-term boy/girlfriend, they are supported and encouraged to start fresh, but when your marriage breaks up, you are a pariah and just didn’t give it enough time/energy/committment/love/effort?  Why is the contract of marriage more drama than the contract of relationship?  Why does that allow someone to judge me more than someone else? 

Sometimes, you can’t fix things.  Sometimes, it would take more energy than you have left in you to fix that relationship.  Things like respect, trust, intimacy - these all are hard to gain back.  Perhaps you thought you could fix it, but it required some sacrifices from the other half that they weren’t willing to live with.  Maybe, just maybe, you aren’t the same people you were, and you both will be healthier and happier separated. 

No one chastises you for ending a contract in business.  You move on when the deal no longer works for the parties involved.  Guess what - it’s like that here too.

Well, you’re now saying: So you tried to fix it.  That must mean that…

3. A Divorced Person has Issues

Oh yes.  I have three points here:

• Someone is mentally/physically/emotionally damaged and that’s why things didn’t work out. 

While true that one or more people in the relationship may have issues, that does not mean that the issue is the sole reason the relationship didn’t work out.  Thank you, but when a major relationship fails, we are more than capable of blaming ourselves for everything, so you don’t need to contribute.  Yes, we should look at things clearly and honestly, but rarely is one thing the source of the end of a relationship.  And, sometimes you are damaged as a result of the relationship.  Well I guess that means…

• Now you’re damaged goods.

Thanks - I needed the vote of confidence.  Don’t worry, I’m already thinking that, somehow, my failed marriage means that I am not fit to give advice, be a good friend, be a quality employee, or be a health individual.  It’s part of the process of dealing with the ending relationship.  We look to assign the blame.  It doesn’t mean any of those things.  AND - It also doesn’t mean that I cannot have quality relationships that are long-lasting. It doesn’t mean I can’t marry again.  It doesn’t mean that other marriages will fail. 

• One person is responsible for the divorce because they….

I’ve got a news flash - no one person is ever responsible for the end of a relationship.  It always involves poor decisions and actions of both parties.  And yes, I’m using the word “always“. Because it is truth.  It is never that one person didn’t sacrifice enough.  Even abusive relationships involve poor decisions on the part of both people.  Owning up to one’s appropriate portion of responsibility is part of the healing process.

Regardless, after a relationship ends, you must need…

4.  Prescription for Some Time Alone

It always seems like people know what is best for you.  After a long relationship breaks up, that means you should spend some time “with yourself” - aka, stay single, and perhaps you shouldn’t even date for a while.

Ostensibly, this means any of the following: finding yourself, resolving your issues, avoiding a rebound, process what has happened, be single to kill any dependency issues, figure out if the reason your relationship tanked is because you are screwed up. 

This may be something that people need to do after a break-up - I cannot deny that, and I’ve done it before.  However, it is not a universal prescription for every person, and may not apply to every situation.  Some people feel it important to have time to have time alone after a breakup to process what happened and how they feel.  Others might have spent plenty of time doing that during the relationship.  Each situation is unique. 

Overall, it isn’t bad advice - but one must temper it with the fact that it may not apply to the person you are talking to.  And really, it isn’t your place to judge what is right for another person.  So if someone starts dating soon after a breakup, keep your snotty whispers to yourself.  It’s part of moving on. 

Conversely, if someone decides they want to take some time to themselves, as long as they aren’t throwing a rope over the rafters, be their friend and don’t pressure them to get back into the game. 

5.  The Fact that it Ended Means It Had No Value

There’s a quote I want to share. 

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go.  It means leaving what’s over without denying its value.

–Ellen Goodman 

This piece of advice might apply better to those having the break-up as well as onlookers.  Yes.  It didn’t work.  That doesn’t mean there weren’t good things about it.  That doesn’t mean I’m happy about the fact that it ended, or that I would change my mind at this point.  I find a tendency out there to completely trash the whole past rather than accept the growth one got from it and move on. 

Frankly, I think this is tragic - and I don’t use that word often.  People make choices based on the person they were at that time.  People change.  But to look back and denigrate what choices you made with the information you had at the time is to not only belittle where you were then, but also all the growth you’ve experienced and where you are now.

6. It’s a Sad Thing, Not Always a Bad Thing

I don’t want a cake.  I don’t want drinks.  I don’t want a party.  It isn’t something happy for me to be getting a divorce, so when it is final, I’m not expecting to whoop it up around town and declare - Whee!  I’m a free woman again!  I am grateful now that I got out while it was still time to salvage myself from more damage.  I’m not going to toast the passing of a relationship.  I might sigh in relief when it is all done because it is sad, annoying and painful, even more so if you have children.

It’s a passage, and it deserves some respect. 

[ Upon returning to the blogosphere, I find I had this post in my unfinished posts section.  Reading it months later, I’m posting it as is.  It represents a time, a place…and to try and alter it now would not do it the justice of the expression of that moment.  And to be honest, I don’t remember what it was about.]

I think we would be also pretty well served to consider dancing like traveling.  We can look back at where we’ve come from.  We can take a snapshot of where we are, and we can look at the map of where we are going. But we don’t know what that will look like when we get there.  So we should embrace each stop along the way, recognize how it is different and the same.

And that is what makes up our dance, that is what gives it depth.  If you are in the same place, and your travel has ended, then you only have the stories that you have learned up to that spot to tell in your dance.

If you view your travel as continuing over the horizon of what you know is out there, then think of all the tales you will have to tell in your movements!

I was completely floored when my private dance instructor called me a “professional” and “passionate” dancer. I immediately discredited that statement. Silly me. It wasn’t inaccurate. But for some reason, we cannot accept positive things well in our culture.

We have a huge image issue with embracing what we are, and where we are going RIGHT NOW. We are constantly looking back at how bad we were, or looking forward at what we are not yet. Thus, we limit ourselves by refusing to acknowledge the NOW. The pressure of the past and of the future keep us firmly entrenched, stagnant.

And I’d agree with mrsmalkav - others often try to keep you down if you do claim rightful titles, or dare label yourself. Thus the scramble for certifications in the bellydance community. It’s a dancer being able to say - see? I’ve got proof from some outside authority that I am worthwhile. Instead of looking at my dance, look at my papered walls. (please note, that I like certifications and am not dissin’ certifications. I’m questioning some dancers’ NEED to strive for certification rather than striving to be a better dancer. We all know people like this.)

There’s a difference between hubris and courage, but I think we’ve gotten it mixed up. It’s courage to strive for what you want, and to put yourself out there into a challenge. Hubris is to assume superiority, to enter a situation already putting oneself above the others.

More dancers should bite off more than they can chew. Right now they might say, “Look at her trying to be more than us.” But later they could all be saying, “Look at the chances she took to get where she is today. I wish I could be like her.” Do we even know where our limitations truly lie till we press beyond our horizons?

Dancers have to be courageous. Courage is the warp to the art we weave….Every step, every turn, every expression - an act of courage.

Want to change the world? 

Perhaps we think too expansively (at least, here in America I feel we do) and get downtrodden by the thought that we are too small to make a real difference.  But it isn’t one huge action that changes things, but hundreds of little, thoughtful actions that gradually tip the scale in one direction or another.  Just like a circle is made of many tiny direction adjustments to a line, so can you round out your edges with a thousand tiny actions to bring you closer to your nirvana - or just closer to feeling better about your daily life.

As I read TreeHugger today, I found something of great interest.  We Are What We Do has a book called Change the World 9-5.  Just the title hit home to me - I realized that my choices at work are often slightly different (and less like “me”) than my choices during the rest of the day.  

Example: At work, I’m more willing to get three cups of caffeine in three separate paper containers.  At home or after work, I really try to get my own mug refilled. 

That is just one tiny example.

But it is small actions like that that add up.

The site works to help you choose actions.  Much like 43things, you can choose items you want to do, and then indicate what it is that you have done.  Unlike 43things, the focus is to give you ideas of how you can make a difference everyday, and has less to do with personal desires than to do with personal choices.  And I like that difference.  43things was great to give me a sense of what I’ve done, and some of the things I wanted to do.  We Are What We Do causes me to reevaluate the small actions I take in a day. 

And isn’t that part of living?  Knowing why we do what we do?  Being a part of every moment, consciously?

Excerpts from the webpage for We Are What We Do:

Actions to change the world
Here’s our list of simple, everyday actions you can do to help change the world (and have fun while you’re doing it). It could be doing something for the community like shopping locally, something for the environment like avoiding plastic bags, or something for you, like learning to paint, sing or speak Spanish…

So how does this work? Click on an action to see what it’s all about or, if you ‘re ready to do the do, tick each action you have completed and press the “Done!” button down below. Your actions will be added to the total, there on the top-right. Just like that.

Join In! We Are What We Do is all about joining in, so we’ve set up all sorts of ways for you to share your ideas, vote for what you believe, dare your friends to do new things, get others involved, and ultimately… change the world.
Please help! We can’t do it on our own!

What do you give the idea of going to Grad School for a Masters degree?  An A or an F?

I was speaking with a friend at lunch today about it.  She’s decided she wants to go back for an MBA.  She feels it will give her many more opportunities in our workplace, as well as help her grow.  Additionally, she wants to do it now before she has a child, and she is recently married. 

It brought up all the old considerations again.  I have this complex that when I see someone else growing and expanding, or making choices to do that, I go back to looking at my choices and consider whether I should be looking at the same options.  Not because I’m unhappy, but because these are all things I constantly consider.

I just want to know what your feelings are about getting Masters Degrees, whether you think they are still viable or necessary, and if you’ve done it, how you feel about it.  Or if you’ve chosen not to, why?

I read these articles about whether or not I should go to Grad School.  Their number one suggestion is always: Why? or What do you want it for? Or I read items on why I SHOULDN’T go to Grad School. 

I briefly considered Law school too, but after talking to a few nearly graduated law students who are working part time as well, and researching the cost, it seemed like I would be choosing for my life to implode if I went  to Law School.  My marriage, my debt, my hobbies, my business - everything would probably not receive the attention it needed.

Would choosing Grad School be the same? Would I just be adding debt on top of the last school debt with no appreciable return?  Would it be really hard to juggle amidst work, business, and marriage?  I’m considering starting a family soon as well - should I do Grad school now BEFORE I have a family, or is it more easy during those first years of having children?  I’ve heard both!

I don’t plan on leaving my company, but I don’t plan on stagnating either.  I enjoy learning.  I enjoy achieving.  I’m OK with being where I am in life.  I constantly fight with a voice inside my brain that says, “You should be a lawyer or a doctor!  Get on that!”  But I realize that the voice is my judgmental overachiever voice that wants to be better than everyone else in every way.  I don’t need to be a doctor or a lawyer to be a high achiever and feel good about myself.

But…I don’t want to be in a position where one day my friend who works with me and I are applying for a more advanced position in the company and she is chosen because she has an MBA and I do not.

I try not to use my job as my definition.  My job is not my life, and this is by design.  I use my job as a way to support all the things I want to do outside of my job.  I’ve toyed mentally with leaving it all, going back to school, and becoming an environmental something (engineer? biologist? Sociologist?).  I’ve toyed with getting a Masters in Non profit management so that I could use my masters to help me doing things outside of work that I enjoy.  I’ve even considered just going back and getting a dance degree and a Masters in Fine Arts, because that is what I really ENJOY doing. 

But really, I don’t NEED a masters degree to dance, to make a difference in the environment, or to help on non-profits.  Getting degrees in those areas would be for mental stimulation and enjoyment as well as information and training in how to make the biggest impact.  Besides, if I want to study other topics, I can just take classes on them - I don’t have to get a grad school degree in them and take on additional debt. 

So I should probably focus on getting an MBA for my current job in the financial world.  I have a BS (never a more apt acronym) in Business Administration.  This leads me to surmise that a regular MBA would probably be best for the opportunities that lie ahead.  While a number of online articles offer the idea that MBAs are not really necessary anymore, I work in a conservative industry with conservative people.  The “paying your dues” method is still highly prevalent here.  Nothing fancy - just an MBA.

And that sounds as boring as hell.  Could I really jump back into the world of academia and push through an MBA?  Well, I’d do it, but I might go kicking and screaming the whole way.  I’m sure I’ll enjoy some of it, but it doesn’t move me like other topics. 

So what are your thoughts?  Is an MBA just something I need to buckle down and do if I want to grow?  Does it still afford enough status to warrant consideration over non-MBA’d individuals? 

Clemens Vaster had a post with Blogger Types that I found interesting. 

I’m obviously in the “I want to Blog” section.  I really only started this recently and have been trying to stay active.  I’ve been a member of LiveJournal for a long time, and posting items in various personal “blogs” for a while as well.  But this blog has been the first that I have attempted to keep informative or at least invite discussion, rather than blather about my personal life.

Blogging is a media that I’ve recently grown interested in, and I like the idea of having a conversation with tons of people across the world.  It invites long posts (a bad habit of mine) unlike bulletin boards or forums.  The Blogosphere is really, in essence, the new newspaper or magazine, but much more accessible to the general public as writers. 

This means I get a chance to do the writing I’ve always wanted to do.  It also means that it is less likely to ever mean anything to anyone but me.

In my attempts to get a better grip on what I should be doing, I of course read other blogs.  Penelope Trunk’s information on How to Start a Blog contains a lot of interesting links and information, such as Finding a Niche and Choosing a Niche.  She even indicates that blogging will help my career.  Blonde2.0 suggests ways to make a blog more viewed, and Amy Gahran gives tips for successful blogs through conversation.

In reading these articles, it seems like the major questions to ask are - What do I know? Where do I want to go?  How can I make this blog appealing to people? 

But I think a more messy question is uncovered - Do I want to have a “professional blog” - and what exactly does that mean?

I certainly don’t want to have an online journal anymore.  I never felt like I could be totally honest in it anyway.  Because, unlike David’s Journal’s wishful thinking, what’s posted doesn’t necessary stay put.  That’s the issue with connecting to all your friends and acquaintances to a personal journal - you can’t really be HONEST about your feelings.  You can’t post about that annoying neighbor, or something your friend did that pissed you off.  Because, frankly, your friends are reading and you’ve just taken a personal issue and made it public, regardless of how “private” your journal is.  Even if the person you are posting about isn’t connected to you, they could always find it. 

I’ve seen huge dramas originate out of journal posts where someone talked about someone else in a negative way, which spurred on a retaliation post, and started a long friction between several people.  I’ve also seen relationships get severed through comment strings (ouch!) and snarky comments be used to berate someone for past wrongs - all passive aggressively because the majority of people cannot handle direct face-to-face conflict to deal with their issues.  Thus the personal journal becomes a forum for venting and attack. 

And all of this from just being connected to your friends, just like everyone is.  God help you if you are linked to for some reason as an example nationwide. 

So, I don’t want to be in there for the emotional vomiting or daily uninteresting or forced updates that many personal journals can be - or at least, I found that mine were becoming.  Some people can do it - misspotsit always keeps me interested in her personal journal, but I don’t have the pizazz to accomplish that.  And I think a lot of interest comes from her insight and detailed posts - and comments in various other areas of the web.

But back to the point - do I want a “professional blog” and what does that mean?  Can’t I just blog about things in general, and then people will find it and a great conversation will begin?

It sounds like that is a No. Having a professional blog means doing what many of the other blog articles mentioned: choosing a topic.  That involves having to get to know that topic, knowing other blogs out there about that topic, and more.  And writing about that topic and other topics that affect it all the time - including weekends.  You have to keep up with it.

Assuming anyone will be reading it anyway.  From the reading, it sounds like you have to be out there, commenting on other blogs, reading other blogs, really staying fresh with what is being discussed, and drop your URL everywhere to get traffic, and marketing plays a part as well. 

So, it comes down to What Do I Want? 

I think I want a forum where I can post ideas and articles where people will come in and read and comment, and a discussion will happen.  I’m not sure I have anything that I want to market or that I’m looking for international fame.  Sure, a part of me thinks it would be cool to be the well-known connosieur of widgets that everyone reads to know the “real deal”. 

And ultimately, the coolness factor has a lot to do with it in the end.  “Do you know Lane?    You should totally read her blog.”  Yeah…

But mostly, through the discussion, I want to return the favor to numerous bloggers that have answered my questions over and over again.  Or the blogs that have made me laugh so hard I had to do the potty dance (you know you’ve done it).   Or just really insightful thoughts, or just sharing information I didn’t expect to get.  Like Kathy Sierra’s blog that really inspired me on a few levels until its dramatic (and scary) end.

Do these goals equal a “professional blog”…

1. A place where I can write my thoughts, or share articles or information, about topics of interest to me…
2. where people from all over can discuss the topic and some people may learn or their lives may be made better through it?

…or do they belong somewhere else?

Lifehacker posted on some of the most unused websites - .edu’s.  In reading their post, I realized that a lot of people I know would really love some of these sites.  So I’m picking and choosing a few for general consumption!

 Art History

I don’t know about you, but a large number of my friends are artists in some form, and also geeks in some form.  And therefore are interested in the geekery of art - or Art History.

University of Michigan - (amusingly labeled as the Mother of all Art  and Art History Links page)
SweetBriar
Concordia University 

Science

Anatomy anyone?  Even complete with nerves…so detailed!
Folk Medicine Database   Whether you are using it for better chances at passing a healing check, or looking for another option to the eight meds prescribed to you in your five minute appointment with the doctor, this is handy!
Printable Sky Charts   For those firelit nights around the campfire.

 History

These links are particularly fascinating and useful (READ: TEACHERS and PARENTS SHOULD CHECK THESE OUT.) No matter what you are teaching, these websites might help you find historical background to provide to your students for …whatever.  I.E., if I’m assigned to read The Great Gatsby, I’d be totally excited (ok, so I’m a geek!) if my teacher showed me some historical photos and other information to help me get a better understanding of the era I’m reading about.

 American Political History Images  All public domain. 
Aural History - Including some links of readings from literature.
Historical Voices - Like the above, but probably more directly useful.

The Rest

Want to go to Hell?  Finally, you get to choose whether Hell or Paradise are for you, with purgatory as a suburb option.
Scratch 

“Everybody Got Their Something” - Nikka Costa

There’s a time for every star
There’s a time for every star…

This article talks about how to clearly define what success means to you.  I’m going to try it, and you might want to too. 

http://www.wisebread.com/defining-success-if-you-dont-know-what-you-want-you-wont-know-when-youve-gotten-it

43 Folders discusses a new online website called Daily Lit.  Basically, what this does is take great literature and email segments to you, one after another, for you to read.  It’s premise is that so many people are too busy online these days that they don’t get a chance to physically read.  So this service sends you emails with short, readable parts of the book every day.  If you want to read more in a single sitting, you can click a button and the next part is sent to you.

From Daily Lit’s FAQ:

Why read books by email?

Because if you are like us, you spend hours each day reading email but don’t find the time to read books. DailyLit brings books right into your inbox in convenient small messages that take less than 5 minutes to read. This works incredibly well not just on your computer but also on a Treo, Blackberry, Sidekick or whatever the PDA of your choice. In the words of Dr. Seuss: Try it, you might like it! (Oops — it would appear that the actual quote from Green Eggs and Ham is “You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may.”)

I can’t decide if this is a GREAT THING or if this a BAD SIGN.  It’s getting people to read literature they want to read - so what if they don’t get the physical book from the library or buy it from a bookstore?  Isn’t it just a matter of medium - like audiobooks?  Actually, this might fit really neatly into my own life - I never thought I’d have time to read War and Peace, and since I’m online so much of my day, it may now be possible.  I will have access to tons of literature, at the click of a button.  Equality at its best.

But…why isn’t there time to read a book?  Is there something we are losing by disconnecting ourselves from the physical act of holding a book, turning the pages?  Is it only because I’m a bibliophile that I like the feel of a book page, can tell how well a book is made through that and its binding?  Or is there something to be gained by putting one’s life to the side for a moment and picking up a physical book and actually reading it?  What about those rainy days where it is perfect to snuggle into the couch and pick up a book?  Will that be changing to blinking in front of the computer screen? 

How does that change our reading experience?  How does that change our comprehension of written text?  Will it affect our enjoyment of reading?  Will reading become one more item on the “to do” list in order to be a viable member of our technological world?  Will even our pasttimes revolve around being connected to the internet, checking our email? 

Will it become expected that you are connected, 24/7?  Will “reading a book” cease to be a way to relax?

For that matter, I wonder what will be happening to libraries - already underfunded - and the book industry.  What about people who still don’t have regular internet access? 

Is this just the new world and I have to get used to it?  Will I be one of those anachronistic old people who still fills shelves with paper and glue based literature?  Will collecting books have more to do with the medium than the age (say it isn’t so, to my full set of Alexander Dumas from 1880)?

Yes, I know nothing has happened yet, and libraries are still around.  I’m not freaking. But I’m taking a moment to contemplate the inherent benefits we get from physically doing something.  I’m asking the questions that perhaps few are asking. 

http://www.43folders.com/2007/08/01/dailylit/

I’m still looking for that sound.  Another post with linkage that inspires me to get back on that horse of frugality.

50 Ideas for Frugal Living (zenhabits again) - What is nice about this list is that it suggests that you decide what makes you happy, and do that.  Very Your $ or Your Life.

http://zenhabits.net/2007/08/the-cheapskate-guide-50-tips-for-frugal-living/

Renting VS. Buying (linked from zenhabits) This one has several great article links at the bottom as well as being informative.

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2007/07/16/renting-vs-buying-the-realities-of-home-buying/

Credit Card Hint (Getrichslowly.org) Deduct that purchase immediately from your checking account register - or quicken, whatever you use.  Then the money is always there. 

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2007/08/08/a-quick-trick-for-tracking-credit-card-expenses-in-quicken/

Three Ways to Ask for More Money (the Mint) - Not many people suggest the “call and ask for a lower rate” method - it is too conflict-oriented for our world.  But it works.  I’ve done it.  And it is about time to do it again.

http://www.mint.com/blog/moneyhack/three-ways-to-ask-for-more-money/

 Your hints and tips?