So, the next step has been taken in the goal to become more eco-friendly.  You might think we bought a Prius as I’ve been alluding to for some time.  However, as much as I sin daily by coveting my neighbor’s Prius, I saw this little number and fell in love.  (Yes, my avid readers, that color is KIWI GREEN.  Did I mention that I shiver with joy when looking at it?)

It’s not a tiny step.  It isn’t a step at all - it’s a perspective change to think, “HEY - I could take my bike if I planned for a little extra time.”  It seems an easier step to take when your vehicular transport has recent been smooshed and you are trying not to spend your 401(k) on gasoline and downtown parking. 

Flaws in such a beautiful kiwi green plan?

1. Safety. Biking does not save you from future car accidents.  I would say “duh” here, but I think I thought it might be safer to be smaller and be able to dart in and out of traffic easier to avoid oncoming collisions.  However, one notes on one’s very first ride that cars care even LESS about you, and make a concerted effort to zoom past you to “avoid” hitting you.  However, that sort of behavior is what causes these sorts of accidents.  Yie.

2. Gear. It saves you from spending money on a car, which is sort of a blow against materialism - right?  However, it is VERY easy to start slipping down the slope of “gear”.  Once in love with a bike, you might do anything for it - such as contemplate purchasing $200 satchels, the perfect baskets, and even bells and whistles.  And don’t forget valve covers! 

Did you just say VALVE COVERS? Yes…yes I did.  Oh, the depths of consumerism reached in the attempt to become more environmentally conscious are numerous.  Consumerism isn’t evil, but when one of your goals was not to spend so much money on buying or operating a car, “outfitting” a bike starts to fill in that gap pretty quickly.  This coming from a woman who never spent more than $100 on a bike before now.

3. Helmets.  I’m not sure what to say about these except that I have a natural, inborn hatred of these things that stems from my youth in rural communities.  If you wore a helmet, you were obviously a sheltered kid who hung from your momma’s apron strings.  However, it only makes sense when commuting to work and dealing with flaw #1 above.  Still…I put the darn thing on and I’m instantly transported to a time when my grandmother made me wear a swimming cap.  It’s a hard thing to swallow.

4. Weather.  This is another “duh” moment, but since I’m in the middle of a flooded county, I might go ahead and mention that you are constantly concerned with what the weather might do.  40% chance of rain no longer means slightly wet pavement to be concerned about.  When the storm hits, you are stuck whereever you are.  And I’m a new enough bike commuter that my lofty goals of riding to work this morning were quashed by the merest sprinkling of rain.  I’ve got to determine a way to still bike to work when the weather is not 70 and sunny. 

5. Bike Locks.  People are wonderful beings with the potential for great goodness and kindness.  They are also quite capable of being rat bastards.  I now own a bike lock that is heavier than my bike.  At least I’ll be building my arm muscles at the same time, right?

6. Communication.  Once of my intentions with this bike is to ride with others.  However, what was once a “Turn here so I can show you this nifty place I just thought of,” in a car is now me saying, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” when the person leading me has randomly cut across traffic down a different road than where I thought we were heading.  I didn’t catch up for a bit because, well, I had to either turn around or go to the next block.  And in between there, neither of us knew exactly where the other one was.  This is a combination of using proper hand signals and paying better attention.

7. Stuff.  Transporting stuff will never be the same on a bike.  Nice try, but no.  Things jingle and make noise, and I’m not so certain that my original idea for bringing my laptop home on my bike would be a good one.  And I was very excited to consider a coffee-holder on my bike for imbibing while coasting to my place of employ.  Now I’m wondering if I wouldn’t spill boiling hot tea all over me every time I tried to drink it.  Add in that the overall amount of stuff you carry with you will have to be cut back, and the bike starts to look a little uncertain.  Good luck bringing in treats on Friday!

8. Appearance.  This might sound shallow, but it is more important how you dress when on a bike, and also harder to maintain a quality appearance.  With a car, you can pop in - drop off your mail or the dog or whatever - and get back home without imposing your morning hairstyle and flannel pajama pants on anyone.  With a bike, you are visible to the world. 

This also connects with weather item in that you have to be prepared for the fact that you have no climate control.  So commuting to work, I can’t wear my suit.  So I carry it with me.  That won’t stop the fact that I’m sweatier than the flanks of a raging bull and any deoderant and perfume I once used is now gone with the wind, so to speak.  This translates into having to bring this stuff with you, which further translates into taking that into consideration for your finite amount of space for the stuff in #7.  My goal to solve this is to bring an extra set of stuff to work so that I can “freshen up” there.  But there’s an additional cost I’d not considered.

None of these things is a deal-breaker, really.  There are ways around most of them, and practice will smooth out the edges.  In many ways, it isn’t that different from taking the bus - which I did for several years.  I’m really excited, actually, to start commuting this way.  It’s just another way that “being green” takes a little more thought than buying a recylcing bin.  It really requires you to take a look at how you do things, and each step in the process.  But I believe that in the end, it will be worth it.

So, I’ve been quiet for a few days.  Learning lessons.  Not new lessons, but old, powerful lessons.

I was in a mind-altering car accident this weekend.  As in, should-have-died level of accident.  At a standstill in traffic, a car plowed into us from behind going 50-60mph, pushing us into another car.  I do not remember the airbags deploying, but when my eyes opened, there they were, flattened sacks.  The above is the remains of the car.

We all walked away basically together - no limbs broken or gone, and major body functions still in tact.  We are in the process of dealing with the medical fallout of all of this.

Geeks - I feel as if I have a better understanding of what one might experience in one’s first time ever plane-shifting.  Or if someone forcibly tried to pull me through a wormhole in space.  I think that might feel like this car accident - where all the molecules around me are suddenly squished together.  There’s this moment of intensity, a moment of compaction where sound is so dense that it no longer is sound - it is more akin to silence.

So, that’s what happened on my way to the Madison Farmer’s Market.  Right now, my life feels achingly misaligned, like the bones in my back.  It is as if every cell in my body knows that something has changed, but no one can see that from the outside. 

This situation has imposed, rather perilously, several life lessons upon me that I thought I’d share that, while pertinent to the car wreck, are also pertinent to life.

• Impatience is unnecessary.  No one needs to anywhere that fast to sacrifice the well-being of oneself and others.  That goes for work and personal life - pushing something to the limit of its speed will result in poor results.  And you won’t have enjoyed the ride.  And the path taken often makes a difference in how successful the achievement is. 
• The body is amazing.  Not only did it do all the necessary processes to ensure that I would be at my most flexible, but it also conveniently blocked out the few seconds of my head hitting the airbag and seat that I really didn’t need to know.  Thank you selective memory during traumatic events.  If my brain can forget the traumatic seconds of a car accident, then I can teach my brain to forgive and forget other things that hold me back.
• Your life can change in the blink of an eye, and without your permission.  And being flexible, able to go with the flow will always be helpful.  This is a great analogy for dealing with change.  In an accident, if you see it coming, you tense up and the damage is always worse.  In life, this can be compared to stubbornly holding onto the past as long as you can before letting go.  There’s an art to recognizing inevitable change and following it when it comes instead of making it drag you through hell.
• Did I mention change happens without your permission?  It gives new insight to me, who is someone who strives to always be in control.  If I can never be truly in control, then perhaps I am wasting energy in that direction that could be more appopriately focused in achieving my goals.
• In the same vein as not being able to control what happens outside of me, there’s a degree of chaos in trying to control what is inside you.  It is a delicate balance between nature and nurture, and be careful what label you assign to each feeling.  I don’t WANT to feel anxious right now, but the chemical imbalance as a result of the accident doesn’t give me that option. 
• Your perception can completely change without anything visible occurring.  I went back to my job and back to my life, and nothing changed externally.  But I feel completely changed internally -for good or for ill.  I think this is something that many people experience when going through a difficult time.  The rest of the world may not fit the new you, and the person you thought you knew might not be there anymore.  And it only takes a split second.  Take the time to find out what has changed, and where your heart lies. 
• The things you come back to in a traumatic event are the things that you need to keep paying attention to.  Those are the things/people/beliefs that really matter in your life.
• Sometimes you need to forego asking “Why did this happen?” and move straight to, “What do I do now?”  Too much time spent with the former question causes fewer options to be available when you reach the second question.  The Why is historical and nice to have, but what matters more is who you are and what you want NOW.

And what I want right now is sleep.  Good night all.

I would like to introduce you to someone.  Someone very personal to me, who knows everything about me, and is always ready to give an opinion …that will bring me down.

I’d like you to meet PNC, my Personal Negativity Coach.  PNC is the voice that exists in the back of my head that is always willing to negate my actions, goals and feelings.  PNC takes personal pleasure out of being judgmental, divisive and generally complaining.  PNC is bolstered to greater success when something truly negative does happen - a bad experience at work, negative feedback from a friend, or a car blowing up just as one gets onto the Beltway through Madison. 

In fact, PNC is resilient and ever-ready.  PNC takes paranoia to a new level by getting involved in my daily observation of the world and trying to classify everything - usually to my detriment.  That person talking quietly near you?  Obviously, they are talking about you.  That email you got with the ambigiously professional language?  That means the writer is upset with you and distancing themselves.  Truly, there is no end to the possibilities for PNC in Negativeland (which is also the name of an interesting band.)

Don’t paint me a freak.  I don’t follow PNC’s advice all the time, or even give him much of my attention.  It’s in those moments when I’m feeling low that I can hear the voice a little more clearly.  I’m actually a generally positive person. Many times, my hopeful and energetic nature impedes me from acknowledging the real difficulty of getting around obstacles until later.  Which is why it is always good that I sit with an idea or goal for a while before running ahead on it (as evidence, please take note of the tote of fabric I own, yet I still do not know how to sew and therefore have not completed any of the projects I was so excited to start).  I am generally open to new experiences and don’t let fears stop me from doing things I want to do…or at least initially trying them.

It’s just that when you are having major changes in your life, PNC feels he has a duty to raise his voice and question everything you think, do, say or feel. 

And PNC is not always wrong - which is why it is hard to just discredit him.  For example, I recently came to terms with the fact that I should work more on listening to people.  PNC has been telling me this in ways for years.  But now, I am realizing that what I thought was “listening” was really more like hearing.  That I may listen, but I am not a “good listener.”

And that means listening to PNC too.  Listening to what PNC has to say and connecting that with what feats I harbor about myself, my world, and my choices.  Hearing the inner voice, but not letting it rule me.  In fact, using it to undermine PNC by really making an effort to keep negativity from invading my life.

I know I’m not the only one that has ties with PNC.  PNC is known by others often as their “Inner Critic” and sometimes as “The Mind” if you read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (yes, he does sort of remind me of a deranged elf.  Next question.)

Negativity exists, but dwelling on it can be damaging to yourself.  It’s been shown that negativity is easily absorbed and changes how your brain works.  Happy people are better able to think logically, as cited by Creating Passionate Users’ blog article on “Angry/Negative People Can Be Bad For Your Brain.”  Specifically interesting in this article is the reference to Mirror Neurons.  Mirror Neurons reveal so much potential for the individual that it would be crazy, nay, ludicrous to waste that potential with negativity.

And as proof that negativity affects your brain, and therefore your feelings and decisions, the AP reports that negative political ads actually work.  It causes a lot of philosophical ideas, including free will, into question. Personally, when I see negative ads, it makes me dislike the person putting them on the t.v. more.  Perhaps that classifies me as an independent.

I got a ton taken care of this weekend - many things done, bedroom final coat of paint on, artwork framed that I’ve owned for over 6 years, artwork frames that Jason’s owned for a long time too.  Awning fixed, walk taken through the park, breakfast eaten on the balcony, dishes done, aerator replaced in bathroom, visit to the BGB and discussion had there, friends renewed, games purchased and played, sickness overcome, magnetic paint obtained, magnets obtained, light switch fixed.  Good time had in general.

So, at 6pm I sat down to do some work, and I’m finding that the Network is down - or I just can’t connect to the Law Department’s files.  This is what I get for putting it off till Sunday night, but really, who wouldn’t have? 

And today is so sunny, beautiful.  The grill is popping and a chicken is being made for dinner with some homemade pilaf and roasted veggies.  I will try again later tonight, but really - what can I do?  I can work on my impromtu poems.

This is Just To Say

I did not work
from home
this weekend
as I promised 

network’s down
6pm on a sunny
Sunday
evening

Forgive me
the park beckoned
and I was
so happy.

To he who has brought so much sunshine into my life. 

Happy Birthday!

Love,

BC

I’ve been working nonstop for several weeks now - every night taking work home, working on weekends, etc.  So, yesterday IGB and I decided we were going to go antiquing - for nothing in particular.  We had several places on the list to go.

Oh.my.god.  We only got through ONE floor of the Fox Skylight Gallery in 4 hours.  We had to go back Sunday for the Third floor and basement.  We found several very interesting books, a great many frames for our Family wall (when it is closer to done, I will post pics), and …hats. 

I didn’t know I was a collector.  I really didn’t.  I thought I was interested, and I had a few pieces, and I knew I had taste in quality.  But now I own four more hats than I did Friday.   Here are examples of two I picked up:

They were all of great prices and fit pretty well (apparently, I do well with most 22s).  There were many more I really wanted, but managed to control myself…at least a little.   I own these two, along with a magenta and a brown one.  Really, quite reasonable, if I do say so myself.

It shouldn’t have been such a surprise for me that I have something of an addiction collection. The night before, I was caught wearing this 30’s-style hat at a performance (and it stayed on!) 

Today I was reading Brazen Careerist and noticed Penelope referenced her ex-husband.  Click the link and, sure enough, she’s getting a divorce. 

As you may know, I am also getting a divorce.  The reasons are not the world’s business, and unlike Penelope, this blog is not the right medium for discussion regarding that background.  Suffice it to say, it was unhealthy to remain there and we are jointly filing.

But in reading the comments to her blog post about the decision to get a divorce - and her internal drive to always look forward and move on - I noticed that the world might need to be disabused of a few notions regarding divorce, or in some cases, any end of a long-term relationship. 

Ready?  Ok, let’s go.

1.   Divorce Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Spouse (Or Breaking Up Means You Didn’t/Don’t Love Your Partner)

I’m putting this one first because I’m pretty sure that in 99% of the cases, this is not true.  I repeat, not true.  And the majority of people getting a divorce - or even breaking up from a long-term relationship - DO,  in fact, continue to love the person they started the relationship with.  Relationships don’t work for many many reasons, but rarely because the emotion wasn’t there.

Relationships are crazy things, and they can end because of lack of respect, lack of trust, lack of interest, and yes, even lack of love.  Committments can end because people have changed and they no longer see life the same way.  They can end because one side cannot give as much as the other side, or because they have grown to want other things.  Relationships can end because you hurt each other so much that it is not possible to go back and fix those wounds and live a full, happy life. 

Please stop thinking that “love” has anything to do with why two people don’t stay together.

So you’re saying, “Oh, if you loved each other, then the problem must be that…”

2.  Divorce Means You Weren’t Committed

Oh My God.  If I hear any of the following ever again, it will be too soon:

• Guess ’till death do us part’ doesn’t apply here.
• People these days just don’t want to work on their marriages.
• Everyone always gives up when the going gets rough.
• For better or for worse has become when it is no longer convenient.
• People used to stay together in marriage and find a way to make it work.
• Are you sure you tried everything to make it work?  It can’t be saved?  There’s no hope?

I thought I’d give a head’s up:  many (probably most) of us have worked on our relationships.  Quite a bit, with a lot of blood, sweat and tears.  We don’t want to get divorces.  We go into marriages with the intention of staying together forever, of being with that person till we are old and grey.  We buy into all of that, and believe it with all of our hearts.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t get married in the first place.

Why is it when someone breaks up with a long-term boy/girlfriend, they are supported and encouraged to start fresh, but when your marriage breaks up, you are a pariah and just didn’t give it enough time/energy/committment/love/effort?  Why is the contract of marriage more drama than the contract of relationship?  Why does that allow someone to judge me more than someone else? 

Sometimes, you can’t fix things.  Sometimes, it would take more energy than you have left in you to fix that relationship.  Things like respect, trust, intimacy - these all are hard to gain back.  Perhaps you thought you could fix it, but it required some sacrifices from the other half that they weren’t willing to live with.  Maybe, just maybe, you aren’t the same people you were, and you both will be healthier and happier separated. 

No one chastises you for ending a contract in business.  You move on when the deal no longer works for the parties involved.  Guess what - it’s like that here too.

Well, you’re now saying: So you tried to fix it.  That must mean that…

3. A Divorced Person has Issues

Oh yes.  I have three points here:

• Someone is mentally/physically/emotionally damaged and that’s why things didn’t work out. 

While true that one or more people in the relationship may have issues, that does not mean that the issue is the sole reason the relationship didn’t work out.  Thank you, but when a major relationship fails, we are more than capable of blaming ourselves for everything, so you don’t need to contribute.  Yes, we should look at things clearly and honestly, but rarely is one thing the source of the end of a relationship.  And, sometimes you are damaged as a result of the relationship.  Well I guess that means…

• Now you’re damaged goods.

Thanks - I needed the vote of confidence.  Don’t worry, I’m already thinking that, somehow, my failed marriage means that I am not fit to give advice, be a good friend, be a quality employee, or be a health individual.  It’s part of the process of dealing with the ending relationship.  We look to assign the blame.  It doesn’t mean any of those things.  AND - It also doesn’t mean that I cannot have quality relationships that are long-lasting. It doesn’t mean I can’t marry again.  It doesn’t mean that other marriages will fail. 

• One person is responsible for the divorce because they….

I’ve got a news flash - no one person is ever responsible for the end of a relationship.  It always involves poor decisions and actions of both parties.  And yes, I’m using the word “always“. Because it is truth.  It is never that one person didn’t sacrifice enough.  Even abusive relationships involve poor decisions on the part of both people.  Owning up to one’s appropriate portion of responsibility is part of the healing process.

Regardless, after a relationship ends, you must need…

4.  Prescription for Some Time Alone

It always seems like people know what is best for you.  After a long relationship breaks up, that means you should spend some time “with yourself” - aka, stay single, and perhaps you shouldn’t even date for a while.

Ostensibly, this means any of the following: finding yourself, resolving your issues, avoiding a rebound, process what has happened, be single to kill any dependency issues, figure out if the reason your relationship tanked is because you are screwed up. 

This may be something that people need to do after a break-up - I cannot deny that, and I’ve done it before.  However, it is not a universal prescription for every person, and may not apply to every situation.  Some people feel it important to have time to have time alone after a breakup to process what happened and how they feel.  Others might have spent plenty of time doing that during the relationship.  Each situation is unique. 

Overall, it isn’t bad advice - but one must temper it with the fact that it may not apply to the person you are talking to.  And really, it isn’t your place to judge what is right for another person.  So if someone starts dating soon after a breakup, keep your snotty whispers to yourself.  It’s part of moving on. 

Conversely, if someone decides they want to take some time to themselves, as long as they aren’t throwing a rope over the rafters, be their friend and don’t pressure them to get back into the game. 

5.  The Fact that it Ended Means It Had No Value

There’s a quote I want to share. 

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over — and to let go.  It means leaving what’s over without denying its value.

–Ellen Goodman 

This piece of advice might apply better to those having the break-up as well as onlookers.  Yes.  It didn’t work.  That doesn’t mean there weren’t good things about it.  That doesn’t mean I’m happy about the fact that it ended, or that I would change my mind at this point.  I find a tendency out there to completely trash the whole past rather than accept the growth one got from it and move on. 

Frankly, I think this is tragic - and I don’t use that word often.  People make choices based on the person they were at that time.  People change.  But to look back and denigrate what choices you made with the information you had at the time is to not only belittle where you were then, but also all the growth you’ve experienced and where you are now.

6. It’s a Sad Thing, Not Always a Bad Thing

I don’t want a cake.  I don’t want drinks.  I don’t want a party.  It isn’t something happy for me to be getting a divorce, so when it is final, I’m not expecting to whoop it up around town and declare - Whee!  I’m a free woman again!  I am grateful now that I got out while it was still time to salvage myself from more damage.  I’m not going to toast the passing of a relationship.  I might sigh in relief when it is all done because it is sad, annoying and painful, even more so if you have children.

It’s a passage, and it deserves some respect. 

I’m back.  Let’s just say I needed to do some housecleaning.

We’ve added a few blog topics.  One is marked on this one - Urban Lens Report.  That’s going to be mini updates on me and stuff I’m doing. That will be the general place I put my personal travels, photos, and general updates about me. 

Another is Holy Roll Call.  I have a mini fascination with all Jesus/Mary/Holy Ghost sightings.  For that matter, perhaps just ghost sightings.  Let me tell you, I am constantly astounded by these.  So I will help you be astounded too.

Then there’s Public Displays of Ignorance.  I’ve noticed an ever-growing trend to committ heinous acts of misspellings into permanent public print/display.  I’m not talking about webpages or other internet sources, but items like signage, monuments, and more.  I welcome people sending me images of ones they find as well.

Finally, Wisconsin Ways.  I’m learning more and more about my state and the crazy things that happen here, and sometimes I just want to share it with the world.  So I’m going to do that, as best I can.

We’ll see about dismantling some of the other categories after some time to make sure that they are no longer useful. 

Here’s looking to some more activity.  Welcome back folks.